One of the most searched items on the internet is how to lose weight.  Instead of searching through all the diets, workout programs, and supplement regimes, I have decided to be a knowledge broker for you and give you my ‘Top 5 Ways to Lose Weight…Guaranteed.’  Guaranteed means guaranteed.

If you don’t like the outcomes, you can get a full refund of the weight you lost.  Some will work quicker than others but all of them are very effective and only 1 of them will cost you money directly.

1. Stop Eating

What happens when you don’t give your body the nutrients and calories that it requires to operate on a daily basis?  The weight just falls off.  This may take some time and won’t always be pleasant but the sky is the limit.  Want to get back into those Bugle Boy jeans you wore in 8th grade?  What better way than restricting any and all calories.

If you don’t have the will power or you feel you need accountability, you can head to south central LA and start yelling racial slurs.  There will be plenty of people that will bash your face in, making it nearly impossible for you to chew food or even open your mouth.  The best part of this plan is that you will save thousands of dollars on your food bill. All that money saved can be re-invested into your life insurance policy since you’ll be needing it in the near future.

2. Chop Off Body Parts

If you’ve ever seen the movie Jerry Maguire, you know the human head weighs 8-12 pounds. Chopping off your head is just plain ridiculous and only losing 10 pounds doesn’t move the interest needle very far.  Instead, choose a non-essential, heavy body part.

According to the book Human Body Dynamics: Classical Mechanics and Human Movement by Aydin Tozeren, the average percentage of weight for each body part is as follows:

• Trunk (Chest, back and abdomen) – 50.80%
• Thigh – 9.88%
• Head – 7.30%
• Lower leg – 4.65%
• Upper arm – 2.7%
• Forearm – 1.60%
• Foot – 1.45%
• Hand – 0.66%

Just think about it, you’re 200 lbs and wanting to get down to a cool 170, the fastest route is to cut off a leg.  Between your thigh and lower leg, that’s easily close to 30 lbs.  Depending on your tool of choice, that could be as quick as 3 minutes.  Fast and effective.  There’s no way you need 127 hours to get these results like Aron Ralston did in the middle-of-no-where Utah.

3. Cocaine and Meth

Have you ever noticed there’s rarely ever a fat or obese person portrayed in the movies or TV that is addicted to cocaine or meth?  Look at all the rock stars, movie stars, and athletes that admit to having a cocaine or meth addiction.  Skinny, skinny, and skinny.  The longer you use it, the better the weight loss results…GUARANTEED!!

The added benefit is that these drugs are also appetite suppressants so if you like option #1, this can be a great adjunct for quicker results.  Not to mention as your teeth fall out, it’s hard to chew food.  Plus those teeth are just added weight anyway.  In weight loss, “every ounce counts.”

If you can’t afford the high cost of cocaine or meth, you might be able to get your doctor to prescribe a drug for ADHD.  Same difference, right?  Best of all, your insurance pays for it.  Win-Win.

4. Blood Letting

You have too much blood anyway, you can afford to get rid of some.  According to a UC San Diego study, the average blood draw burns 650 calories.  “A pint’s a pound, the world around.”  Not only are you losing a pound at each donation, you increase your calorie burning capacity.  The hangup is that donating often is tricky.  They try and make you wait like 53 days.  Only losing 1 pound every 53 days is only almost 7 pounds in a year.  You’re looking for 7 pounds per week.

Imagine if you donated 2x week, once on each arm.  Weight loss jackpot.  If the nurse is concerned that you just donated blood because of the needle marks on your arm, just tell her “Chill out, it’s been 53 days since my last donation.  Those needle marks are from heroine…I’m trying to watch my weight.  Gotta be healthy to donate blood, right?”

5. Parasites

This might be the best of all because you can eat all you want, the parasite just steals it from you.  It works as the same premise as option #1 except you can eat all you want and never have a regret.  You can look pretty on the outside and not worry about the inside.

Honestly, I thought this was a little far fetched until my wife asked me yesterday, “have you heard of the tape worm diet?”  Apparently, I’m late to the game.  Just like when I thought Red Box was a stupid idea.  Seriously, just google the tape worm diet.  Apparently it’s been around for a LONG time.  People already willfully ingest tape worms to allow the parasite to aid them in the pursuit of life, liberty, and the consumption of excessive, guiltless calories.  God bless ‘Merica.

In our society’s craze for the next weight loss strategy, don’t confuse weight loss with health loss.  Just remember, dying early with less weight is not a successful outcome.  If the diet or routine seems sketchy, it probably is, even when it’s ‘doctor supervised.’